Knowing Me
We once received a phone call from someone my husband and I knew a long time ago and our then teen-age daughter answered the phone. The person on the other end of the line seemed to know an awful lot about her, in her perception, and she informed us she thought it was creepy. As I think about it, if I were in her shoes, I would think it was creepy too!
There is something about others knowing too much about me that always makes me a little hesitant to offer up consistently more and more information. I can remember in High School choosing what information to keep locked away from my parents, though that was more to save my skin then any type of creeper aspect going on. After I’ve spent a day shopping with my friend, I don’t necessarily want to share ALL the details with my husband. When I am participating in a group discussion and I think of something to contribute, I have an inner dialogue with myself first to discuss whether or not I should speak up. It seems there is something inside of me that consistently screams “Noooo! Don’t do it!”
I’m not always sure what my motivation is to protect all that extra information about me. It’s like I go into protective commando mode with all my inner thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. (And yet, here I am typing away so that an unknown face can read what I’m thinking about. Go figure.)
I’ve been pondering this line of thought today because of a reaction to a scripture passage I read this morning in the Bible:
Psalm 139:1-6
“O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.”
I read the very first line and I was captured. Normally the idea found in that first sentence would have me all fidgety and nervous. This morning I was flooded with a sense of peace. I felt safe; still wanted and still loved. What an exceeding sense of freedom, to know, deep down assurance know, that the God who created the universe knows all there is about me and He still chooses to be with me. He still allows me the privilege of entering His holy throne room and soaking in His presence.
As I continued to read I was grabbed by the phrase “You hem me in.” I don’t like being trapped. My son likes to sit on me and hold my hands down so that I can’t move. I can only handle it for so long and then I start to freak out. He thinks it’s hilarious! (I’m now thinking I need to plot some sort of revenge for such mistreatment of one’s mother!) All that bonus info about me just to confirm to you that the idea of being hemmed in is not a generally good thing to me. I don’t even like being hemmed in on the highway, I have to get around those people! And yet again, peace overwhelmed me.
When I read the phrase “lay your hand upon me,” I pictured a parent, in a crowd, with his or her hand resting on the shoulder of his or her child. The gesture isn’t designed to necessarily keep the child from moving at all (that’s called a choke hold), it’s a movement to make sure what the parent values most is kept safe.
God opened my eyes a little wider today to envision His love for me a bit more clearly. His knowing of me is a fascinating thing. He desires to give me good gifts and His gifts are always the best since He knows me so well. He is so patient with me, even when I struggle with something over and over. He gets me, because He knows me, so he understands my struggles and why they are struggles for me. He longs to keep me safe. He doesn’t want to trap me in a life that is boring and full of rules. He longs for me to LIVE! — in safety, in His presence.
My words are falling short of what I experienced this morning. Truly the final phrase of the scripture passage was exactly how I felt. The revelation of God’s Holy Spirit to my soul was too wonderful. It’s still hard for my mind to wrap around.
My heart is in awe of the Glory of God. I say with the Psalmist, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your words; my soul knows it very well.” (verse 14)
