Living in the In-Between
We are currently in an “in-between season.” The weather has warmed enough that it doesn’t feel like it is still winter. And it hasn’t changed enough for it to be declared spring. A coat is needed as I go to work, and I can crack my car’s moon roof open on the drive home. I’m drawn to the idea of grilling, but when the wind kicks up, it’s still very brisk standing out on our deck. I’m assuming we won’t get any more snow, and the flowers still haven’t poked through the soil. It’s an in-between season.
I’ve noticed my heart has felt a bit in-between as well. The joy and hoopla of Christmas is over, and we’ve entered the serious business of Lent. The joy and celebration of Easter is still weeks away. I know that the purpose of Lent is to prepare one’s heart for the power of the resurrection. It’s a time designed to help Christians remember their desperate need for a Savior. For 40 days, the same number of days Jesus was tempted, we participate in activities to help our hearts focus more completely on the sacrifice that Christ made on our behalf.
I have participated in Lent in various ways over the years. Some years I have fasted something to help draw me into the presence of God. Some years I have added an additional habit to each day, again with the purpose to draw me into the presence of God. I generally join the choir in preparations of an Easter celebration. Some years I know that I have truly experienced God in a powerful way. Some years I gain a fresh perspective of all God has done
for me, or a deeper understanding of who I am and where I tend to fall short.
Lately, I’ve struggled to connect to my Lent experience. I read God’s Word and I can see how good God is. I am strengthened by the scriptures that tell me of His overwhelming love and continued faithfulness to me. God graciously grants me wisdom and encouragement which enables me to engage in my day and my world in a way that would please Him. And I lack passion; it just all feels very practical.
I’m not sure why I’m anti-practical. Practicality is actually quite helpful; I guess my heart just longs for more. I don’t want to gauge my spiritual walk on my feelings and, I admit, I want to truly feel God. Just one day after mentally labeling my spiritual condition as “in-between,” , my morning devotional was about transformation and the in-between phase from fixer-upper to finished remodel. I became strongly aware of the Holy Spirit’s movement in my life. All of a sudden, those wonky feelings I was experiencing and the longing for more than practicality seemed purposeful.
Another day passed and I sat down to read a bit in a book I’m processing through. This time the idea that jumped out was connected to a phrase I had read in my previous morning’s devotional. I paraphrased in my journal, “everything is redeemable.”
God’s Spirit clarified some things and I saw why I’m living “in-between.” I struggle to accept and fully believe that everything in my life is redeemable. I can easily believe it for others. After all, I’m convinced we serve a very BIG God. And I doubt my own worthiness to be redeemed. You need to know that as I type that statement I recognize its incongruence. I know the truth that God redeems from His own love and grace. I can’t do anything to earn God’s favor. Jesus died, paying the price for my redemption because I am completely and utterly incapable. And yet I have some messed up inner perception that says I’m supposed to be better than others, not as needy as most, somewhere on the scale closer to perfection than not. Have you ever been there? Have you ever thought to yourself: I should’ve done better; Why can’t I get it right?; I’m not being positive enough, hopeful enough, nice enough, bold enough; I’m supposed to be able to do all things for heaven’s sake!
I admit I carried God’s gracious and faithful reminder that, through Him, everything is redeemable in my head but not in my heart for several more days. I could see the Truth, I could even rationalize how amazing the Truth is; and I couldn’t seem to plant that Truth deep into the soil of my heart where it would truly help me. Then God’s Spirit spoke to me through Micah 6:6-8.
What should I bring before the Lord when I come to bow before God on high? Should
I come before Him with burnt offerings, with year-old calves? Would the Lord be pleased
with thousands of rams or with ten thousand streams of oil? Should I give my firstborn
for my transgression, the offspring of my body for my own sin? Mankind, he has told
each of you what is good and what it is the Lord requires of you: to act justly, to love
faithfulness, and to walk humbly with your God
I listed out things that I might actually bring to God since I don’t normally store year old calves, rams or streams of oil. And I’m convinced that my firstborn, at 30 years of age, would fight me on being offered as a sacrifice. As I looked at the list I created, I realized I had basically written out a to-do list. More understanding of my in-between state came over me. I had made the things I believed God was asking me to do in service to Him the focus. They were becoming a god to me; I was believing these acts were going to give me purpose, peace, fulfillment, comfort and acceptance. When I struggled to follow through on my to-do list I was beating myself up, tearing myself down, and basically feeling miserable. God was telling me, everything is redeemable, because that’s who He is.
God whispered to my heart: I’m calling you to a deeper love. I want you to truly be aware of my presenceevery moment of every day. I have things for you to do, and I want you to do them every single time from a heart and attitude of worship.
I’m working to create new habits throughout my day so that my focus is on walking humbly with my God. I’m leaning into Him, I’m working to be honest with the Spirit when I realize I’m struggling, humbling myself so that I recalibrate my focus. I’m recognizing that some days I need to have a quiet time in the middle of the day as well as in the morning. I need to sit with Jesus and know His presence intimately to give me strength, wisdom and vision for what is to occur next. I’m striving to let go of how I perceive I am to be, and allow God to use and redeem the offering I have to give at that particular point in time. And I know God is honoring me in the in-between. “…This is the Lord’s declaration. I will look favorably on this kind of person: one who is humble, submissive in spirit, and trembles at my word.” (Isaiah 66:2).
My God will redeem the in-between.
Thanks for sharing your heart. Sometimes I feel stuck in the “in between” and then I’m reminded God is still trying to teach me patience. I am a slow learner about many things, but especially patience!