Three Simple Overarching Truths to Guide Your Way through Grief
Last week I told you about the loss of our dog Sam. In a social media post last Saturday, I mentioned my sweet Pastor husband and I are still grieving. I also commented I have several friends who are grieving, and I wrote, “Grief doesn’t come only when we’ve lost a parent, or a child or a dear friend. We grieve circumstances that are less than what we hoped. We grieve the loss of a job, a home, an anticipated event that didn’t occur and more.”
We experience grief when we mourn over what once was or what might have been.
Dictionary.com defines grief as “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.” Merriam-webster.com uses these words, “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.”
Characteristics of Grief
I’ve noticed grief can immobilize us. We hurt so profoundly; we struggle to function. However, many of us don’t realize it because we function on autopilot. We appear to be accomplishing things, but we are just going through familiar motions, not fully aware of what we are doing.
I know grief is physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Furthermore, our senses are fully consumed by grief. For some of us grief comes in strong and leaves quickly; we are able to move on. For others of us, we struggle to get past our grief. We feel stuck, defeated by despair, regret, unhappiness, sorrow, and worry.
I’ve observed grief accumulate. We experience circumstances that are hard, but manageable, until we continually experience more circumstances of a similar nature. As a result, we grieve because our situations pile up and become overwhelming. We feel the collective loss and we lament.
Truth from John 20
In John 20 we find the story of Jesus’ resurrection. We read the verses from the perspective of redemption and hope. Whereas, for Peter, John, and Mary, those moments were filled with devastating grief. Their Lord was dead, and his body was not where they expected.
In verses 10 through 18 of John 20, we read about Mary’s encounter with the risen Christ. Jesus reveals Himself to Mary, and her grief becomes great joy. Through this brief exchange, I discovered three simple overarching truths to guide us when we experience grief for any reason.
More Than One Way Forward
The first truth we learn from Mary’s story is don’t cling to only one way of moving forward. Mary wanted to give Jesus a proper burial. If she couldn’t have Jesus in her life, she at least wanted to honor Him appropriately.
In the first part of John chapter 20, Mary is baffled and heartbroken. She was preoccupied with Jesus’ missing body. She didn’t remember Jesus had forewarned them, predicting His death and resurrection. In addition, she couldn’t figure out how to handle this unforeseen circumstance.
Grief can ambush us. We are created to survive, so we instinctively act to manage our crushing emotions. However, we become trapped when we see only one way forward. Mary was stuck on finding Jesus’ dead body. If Mary had remained with that one focus, she would’ve missed her resurrected Lord.
Be Curious
The second truth we learn from Mary’s story is be curious. Jesus asks Mary a question that seems pointless. He inquires, “why are you crying?” Jesus often asked questions that appeared unnecessary. For example, he asked a blind man, “what do you want me to do for you? (Mark 10) and He asked an invalid “do you want to get well?” (John 5)
Jesus’ question teaches us obvious questions don’t always lead to obvious answers. Mary’s obvious answer was Jesus was gone, but there was more to Mary’s grief than Jesus’ death. Mary’s grief was compiled of the loss of her Lord, her inability to honor Him, the anguish of His missing body, fear of the future, and I believe the unstated question about whether He was the Messiah or not.
I have forced myself to be curious about my grief over Sam. A part of me wanted to say he was just a dog and move on. However, I recognize my emotions are more complicated.
Sam was my constant companion. I talked to him, tripped over him, considered his needs, responded to his desire for attention, informed him of when I was leaving the house, and looked for him when I first came home. Sam was literally a part of my every day, breathing-in-and-out life. He made me laugh, annoyed me, revealed life lessons, comforted me, and always made me feel wanted. I am grieving the loss of my dog, plus I am grieving a particular rhythm of life and the comfort of constant companionship.
Trust God’s Bigger Life
The final truth Mary’s encounter with Jesus teaches us is trust God for His bigger life. In John 20:16, Jesus speaks Mary’s name, and she immediately knows it is Him. Mary no longer needs to find His body, nor does she need to provide an appropriate burial for Him. Moreover, she doesn’t need to fear the future.
God didn’t provide all the answers for Mary in that moment. She didn’t receive all the details about how life would move forward, or how she would manage any new differences. Jesus provided the assurance of His power and His presence. He wasn’t dead. He was alive and He was the Messiah.
A Personal Story
When my oldest sister died of cancer, I remember sitting in the room where her body lay in the casket. God and I had a serious talk about how much I would like it if he just brought her back to life. As I sat there, I hoped God chose not to heal her so He could now perform a really big miracle. I knew the Bible stories and I believed He was able.
God didn’t raise my sister from the dead. The Holy Spirit instead posed a very poignant question to my heart. “Is it a greater miracle to bring your sister back to life, or to have your family still believe in a good God even though she’s gone?” God provided assurance of His power and His presence, and it carried me through the death of another sister, my father, and my mother, who all died from cancer. God gifted me a relationship with Him, and it has given me His bigger life.
Helping Others Who Grieve
For some of you, these words are like salve to your soul. You are grieving and God’s truth is a sweet balm. For others, you are pondering these words and wondering how they can help you encourage someone you know who is grieving. Allow me to give you three action points.
- Be curious, but don’t be nosey. Allow them the space to vent or process. Or allow them the space to not answer at all.
- Be present with them. Go to lunch, send a card, text a verse or a song, deliver dinner, show up to help them clean their house or pick up groceries for them.
- Point them to Jesus. You don’t need to have an answer for anything. Jesus is the power and presence your friend needs most.
When Mary came to the tomb, she just wanted things to go back to the way they once were. When we grieve, we all long for that. We ache for the familiar. Jesus showed up in the middle of Mary’s grief and He shows up in ours as well. He speaks our name and offers His presence along with His bigger life.
Grief Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash
