Forty One Lessons Learned from The Ultimate Learning Experience

Life is never the same. We make plans and create structures enabling us to achieve our plans. We dream and hope and imagine. However, plans often fall apart, dreams change, and hope is delayed. We soon understand life is the ultimate learning experience.

Unplanned Events

I’m typing this in the cafeteria of a local hospital. My sweet Pastor husband is having surgery. A year ago, we snapped pictures of our new home as it was being built. Nine months ago, we discussed vacation, and the Rocky Mountain National Park Half-Marathon put on by Vacation Races. Six months ago, we changed our vacation plans due to fires. Three months ago, my sweet Pastor husband stopped running completely because of back pain.

Life threw us on a different rollercoaster than we anticipated.

Forty Years of Marriage Education

My sweet Pastor husband and I know that life is always full of surprises. Afterall, when you are married for 40 years, you learn a thing or two. All of us live through moves, surgeries, ER visits, school drama, relational heartache, loss of family and friends, broken dreams, and the frustration of aging.

Year Forty-One

We began to hold up four fingers on one hand, and one finger on the other hand along with telling each other “41.” We entered our current year of marriage with grins and anticipation. Even today, after my sweet Pastor husband slipped on his stylish surgical garb, he held up 4 and 1, and I snapped a quick picture of the two of us. Our life of surprises continues.

Forty-One Lessons Learned

1. Let go of your demands to have everything your way. We teach this concept to children, why do we think our spouse should always adapt to our wishes and whims?
2. Pick an alarm the other person can live with. If you don’t need to disturb their sleep, why would you?
3. Accept what your spouse needs to know for their own personal peace. My sweet Pastor husband likes to know details I’m often unaware of! I’ve learned I must allow Him to know things I find unnecessary to know so he is able to relax.
4. Recognize how your spouse helps you. We often fall into the trap of complaining about what our spouse doesn’t do. We must open our eyes to what our spouse does that we easily overlook or take for granted.
5. State what you want or need. Notice I didn’t say demand. Our spouses don’t know what we don’t tell them.
6. Don’t assume your spouse is doing something just to irk you. All of us are often forgetful, or distracted from little details, because we are already moving on to the next thing. Our  spouses are no different. Don’t jump to a conclusion that paints your spouse as the bad guy.
7. Accept what your spouse loves to collect as part of who they are. I collect shoes, jewelry, and rubber stamps. My sweet Pastor husband collects jackets and Bibles. Do we both have too many? Yes. Should it become a point of contention? No.
8. Put your stuff away, especially in the bathroom. I’m bad at this. I often roll my eyes at what my sweet Pastor husband leaves on the counter, until I notice how many hair ties and bobby pins are next to my sink. Be kind and do your part to keep clutter at a minimum.
9. Make time to do what your spouse likes to do. You don’t have to do everything together, however doing what your spouse loves ups the intimacy factor.
10. Find a way to talk about what consumes your thoughts. I do best when we take walks. I can talk about all the things that run through my head without having to look directly into his eyes the whole time (which stresses me out). We must be intentional about sharing all the concerns and ideas that take up space in our brains.
11. Travel and explore. Talk about what you see and experience while you are doing it. Share with your spouse what is beautiful, strange, or inspiring. Your spouse doesn’t have to agree; you are inviting your spouse into your personal thought process.
12. Know who is the saver and who is the spender. Lean into each other’s strengths instead of only seeing your point of view.
13. Semantics matter, especially when you are talking about something you don’t like. Be careful of accusing or even insinuating something is your spouse’s fault. Phrase ideas and instructions in ways that eliminate one of you as right and the other wrong.
14. Surprise your spouse. Often. (In good ways…)
15. Laugh together.
16. Spend individual time with Jesus and in His Word. Take responsibility for growing in your walk with Christ and becoming more Christlike.
17. Go to church together. You can even take it a step further and discuss the Sunday sermon over lunch. Your pastor won’t mind at all.
18. Find friends who will hold you accountable as a couple. We all need to be confronted at times. When you give someone else the authority to help your marriage grow, confrontation is less scary.
19. Give your spouse a break. My sweet Pastor husband used to send me away for 24 hours when our children were small. I left before dinner one day, and didn’t have to return home till the kids were in bed the next day. He provided the refreshing “day off” I needed. Sometimes you can do something simple and unexpected that eases your spouse’s load.
20. Parent together, as one unit, even when you disagree.
21. Remind yourself what drew you to your spouse in the beginning. Look for those characteristics, and if necessary, help your spouse rediscover something he or she has perhaps lost.
22. Tell your spouse when he smells, or when her clothes don’t match. Tell him when his pants are unzipped, or her shirt is unbuttoned. Be your spouse’s guardian caretaker but be gentle.
23. Remember events and stories together. Take a walk down memory lane and look at old pictures, photo albums or scrapbooks.
24. Celebrate. Little things, big events. Life IS good.
25. Hold hands. Snuggle. Even in public.
26. Compliment your spouse and be specific.
27. Choose your spouse over your parents and/or your children. Your spouse needs to always know he or she is the most important person in your life after Jesus Christ. Period.
28. Allow your spouse to enjoy what he or she enjoys. We plan vacations around my sweet Pastor husband’s love of running. My sweet Pastor husband allows me regular time in my office happily stamping away and making cards to send out. Neither one of us fully understands the appeal of the other’s hobby, but that doesn’t matter.
29. Follow through with what you agree to do. Your spouse depends on you to pick up the children, or pay a particular bill, or clean a particular area. Put your love into action.
30. Don’t assume you know what your spouse is thinking. I often jump to a conclusion about what my sweet Pastor husband is thinking. I tend to be partially correct, but I don’t know everything about him, and my assumptions often lead to misinterpretation. Ask before assuming.
31. You are not married to the same spouse you married. My sweet Pastor husband often says I’m married to Tim 5.0. He’s grown and changed from our wedding day, and so have I. We are similar, but not the same people we were way back then.
32. Pray together.
33. Set a budget together and evaluate it regularly together.
34. Make space for differing points of view. One of you doesn’t have to be right and the other wrong. Just because you disagree doesn’t mean you have to fight. You could just think differently. Learn to see alternate points of view as an opportunity to learn something new, grow, and gain a fresh perspective.
35. Don’t always split chores. Instead, do chores together and enjoy the camaraderie.
36. View yourself and your spouse as a team, or as partners. You are ONE, not just two unique individuals.
37. Call or text each other throughout the day… like the young do when they first fall in love.
38. Don’t wait for your spouse to apologize when you disagree or fight. Set a precedence to see who can make the first move toward fresh reconciliation.
39. Know those areas that are non-negotiable for your spouse. For example, when we were building our home, my sweet Pastor husband knew I needed color in the tile, countertop, or some other place! I knew he needed practical things like gutters around the entire roof.
40. Treat yourself to a night out on a regular basis. Remember what it was like to date one another?
41. Don’t just say “I love you.” Tell your spouse why you love him or her.

The Best Life for Me

Disneyland Rollercoaster Photo by Brandi Alexandra on Unsplash