I am Dependent

Both of my children were eager to fly the nest.  They both gladly moved out and created their own space with their own life.  My daughter stretched her independence by going to college.  She came home that first summer, and then that was that.  My son left home within the first month after graduating high school and moved to a different state.  I can still put myself in the area right by our front door; I can see us standing in a circle before praying for him and then feel myself hugging him good-bye.  He has actually moved back into our home a couple of times for short periods of time on his way to something else, and yet he didn’t want to be seen as a dependent.  My kids both know that if they need financial help, emotional support, a base camp of sorts, we are always open to being their backup system.  It’s what we parents do.  I can remember knowing my parents would help me if I needed it, but not wanting to make the call and actually ask for help.  I, like my own children, was desperate for my independence.

Think of how we fight for ways to carve out our autonomy, and believe we are independent.  While I was in High School, I didn’t want to pay my own bills, and I sure wanted to make my own decisions.  When I was in college, I saw myself as living my own life, but I was there only because my parents helped foot the bill.  I really wasn’t that independent.  When I got married I was independent from my parents, and dependent on my spouse.  We both worked, and we needed both of our incomes. Being newly married, independence from my husband was not what I wanted. I wanted to do everything with him; being dependent on Tim was not a hardship.  Later, when we had children and I stayed home, I struggled with the idea that my whole life was dependent on either his schedule or the schedule and needs of my children. Once again, I didn’t feel very independent. 

I ran my own home based business for eight years.  I saw it as “mine.”  The money made through my endeavors helped finance my daughter’s college, her wedding, necessary items like a hot water heater and more.  The money wasn’t all mine to do with as I saw fit, but I saw the business as “my thing.” I wanted some independence, a purpose, something that I felt was all about me in some way or another.

I don’t think I’m much different than most people.  I’ve noticed that this striving for independence has filtered it’s way into my spiritual life.  For years I’ve sought what my purpose might be in God’s eyes.  Is there some ministry I’m to be involved in?  Is there a calling of some sort on my life?  How am I best wired to serve God?  Why was I created, what are those magical “good works” God planned for me that are mentioned in Ephesians 2:10?   

Do you notice a common thread in all of my questions?  Each question is all about me. 

Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace for it is trusting in you.” I definitely want peace, but this verse tells me that I am to be dependent.  Verse 4 of the same chapter begins with “Trust in the Lord forever…”  I am to be dependent on God, not myself, continuously until forever.  Being dependent means I release my independence; I put myself under another’s roof and follow the rules  of that house.  The realization has come to me that in this whole arena of dependence vs. independence I am like my children.  I want to be out on my own.  I am grateful for a backup, a sense of emergency security, and I still want to do what I want to do.  

God gave me an “A-ha!” as I have been processing this concept of dependence and what it means in my relationship with Him: I get caught up in the externals.  I want others to be able to see that God and I have a good relationship.  I want a purpose so that others can recognize that God is good to me, and so that I can believe that I’m okay.  I want the appearance of having everything under control and that I am successful, a winner.  I’m more concerned at times about the things I do in my relationship with God, then in my actual relationship with the Lord. I want a relationship and I want to be independent.

The verse in Isaiah doesn’t say one acquires peace when one looks the part, or when one succeds. Perfect    peace comes when I remain continually focused on Christ alone, invested in the actual relationship and not the outcome or benefit of the relationship.  I’m not to be distracted by the “what ifs” of life.  I’m not to go down the rabbit hole of comparison.  I’m not to be second-guessing God and demanding “what about me?!”  Instead, I’m to tuck myself into God’s arms, assured that He will perfectly arrange whatever is needed in my life so that I can please Him with my obedience.  Trusting God is not about me receiving an ideal life.  Trusting God is about me receiving a more and more intimate relationship with the Creator, God Almighty.  I am to forever be dependent on God, every day, for every need.  I am to live at home for all eternity.  Psalm 73:26 says “God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”  Jesus is my independence as I am dependent on Him.  He sets me free, gives me peace, assurance, security, strength, hope, contentment and purpose.  My life is most full, most rewarding when I live completely and utterly as a dependent. 

This life of dependence is not easy since I always seem to be fighting for my independence.  And God is faithful to remind me of truth from His Word: Psalm 23:1 “The Lord Is my shepherd; I have what I need.” John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches.  The one who remains In me and I in him produces much fruit because you can do noting without me.” Psalms 127:1a “Unless the Lord builds a house, its builders labor over it in vain;” 1 Peter 5:6,7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him, because he care about you.”  Each one of these verses supports the idea that God is supporting me and I am to be the dependent. 

Just like a child who lives at home, I have responsibilities to accomplish and I know what they are.  I don’t have to always ask: should I be kind? Should I meditate on your Word?  Should I tithe?  Should I worship you today, Lord?  Within the boundaries of home, there are chores, so to speak, that I am to follow through on in my own way, within my own skin.  God still wants me to be me, and to stand strong in who He created me to be.  I’m beyond the toddler phase.  And I’m to live the life of one who knows that God is the one who provides for all my material, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. I live in His house, His Kingdom. I am a member of His royal household, and I gladly offer up my independence.